Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
