We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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