She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
