I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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