is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
