just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
