we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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