Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
