i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
