Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
