It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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