New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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