my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
