I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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