i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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