dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
