Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
