dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I will die if light touches me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
pop tarts are not kleenex
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
