I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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