hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i think i have two assholes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
