I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
