isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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