Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
well you can't waste a boner
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
