oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
