if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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