the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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