I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
