I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
