i don't plan on having that self control this summer
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
