I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
