see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
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Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...