Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.