I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...