I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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