literally had 100 drinks last night.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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