just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
