Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
