You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
