Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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