Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
