Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
