I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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