Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
