Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
