if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
