I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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