when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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