I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
