I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Holy shit dude........stairs
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
