Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
