Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
