now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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