he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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