So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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