I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
