I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
