i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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